


The Birds and the Bees and the Fairies

by nycz



Category: Maleficent (2014)
Genre: Don't read this if you actually like Philip, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Plot bunnies made me do it, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 18:25:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1754071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nycz/pseuds/nycz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aurora has an important question that no one seems willing to answer.</p>
<p>Shameless crack and fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and the Bees and the Fairies

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why this came into my mind but it did and I scrawled it down.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it. :)

The first time Aurora asks, she's fourteen and has just read a fascinating – if somewhat confusing – book that her aunts gave her for her birthday.

At first, they stand there quietly, blinking owlishly at her. Then Thistlewit bursts out in giggles, Flittle finds something awfully interesting to look at in the ceiling and Knotgrass flees to the kitchen, mumbling something about food.

It is not very enlightening.

The second time, she's in the Moors, conversing with Balthazar about different kinds of soil. When she asks, she receives a much different reaction than her aunts gave her. Balthazar tells her about seeds and the need of sunlight and a lot of water.

Despite Balthazar's helpfulness, she feels it is not applicable to someone who isn't a sentient tree.

A few months after she's been crowned queen, she decides to ask again. Surely some of the women in the castle would know something. It's such a simple question, after all.

To her surprise, the handmaiden who she asked goes beet red and tells her quite sternly that a question like that is nothing a _proper lady_ should concern themselves with.

Aurora shows the handmaiden exactly how proper of a lady she is and throws one of her terribly restrictive dresses – how are you supposed to ride in those? – in the handmaidens face. People are ridiculous.

The fourth time, she's wandering through the castle grounds with one of those personal guards that her advisers insisted she should have. She'd much prefer having Maleficent there to protect her, but she doubts it would work out too well. Tensions are still high between men and fairies.

The guard seems to loathe escorting her even more than it annoys her to have him follow her around. He sighs and huffs and mutters and does everything except voicing his displeasure out loud.

Tired of his gloomy disposition, she asks him in her most chipper and innocent voice. Somehow he manages to choke on something and then quickly excuses himself, fleeing so fast she thinks his armor might fall off.

Aurora's victorious grin is positively wicked.

The fifth time, she is in the Moors, sitting next to Maleficent on a cliff overlooking much of the beautiful lands.

"Maleficent?"

The fairy hums a wordless acknowledgment.

"How are babies made?"

Silence.

"What."

Perhaps fairies don't have babies? But surely Maleficent is wise enough to know how human babies come to life. "How do you get pregnant?" she clarifies. "I mean, not _you_ in particular. How do humans get pregnant?"

The choked sounds of Diaval coughing echoes throughout the Moors.

Maleficent shoots her servant a spiteful glance before turning her head towards Aurora. "Why do you want to know that?"

"Prince Philip is always going on about how he wants my hand in marriage and that we will have several children. I don't even know how to get pregnant."

"Philip," Maleficent says with utmost disdain, her lips curling down.

"Why, Godmother, don't you like him?" Aurora teases. "And don't think I don't notice that you're avoiding my question."

"It's a wonder he's managed to hold onto life this long, considering that impractically long sword he carries around."

"He does cut himself regularly on it, though. Just last week, he almost chopped off his own ear," Aurora notes quietly. "I don't think he should be allowed to carry a sword."

"And yet you consider _mating_ with him."

"I need to have an heir, don't I? He is nice, if a little... slow. He wouldn't tell me what mating meant, though; he only said something about sleeping together, but I've slept with you and Diaval several times and I haven't gotten pregnant." She scrunches up her face in confusion. "Have I?"

Diaval's coughing turns into loud cackles as he bends over from laughter.

With a flick of her fingers, Maleficent turns him into a dog. "Come back when you've calmed down, mutt," she mutters and he scampers away, breathing heavily. Turning back to Aurora, she sighs. "You are not pregnant, beastie. Your _aunts_ should have informed you of all of this. Now," Maleficent says, pulling out her wing behind and around Aurora as she always does when they sit next to each other, "to create a human child, a man and a woman has to copulate."

"Copulate?"

"Men and women look different, especially between their legs. Men have–"

"A penis?" Aurora helpfully provides.

"That is one name for it."

"Hah, I knew it. I've overheard some guards talking about theirs a few times. They sound very interested in measuring it." She frowns. "And different kinds of farming practices. I never understood what plowing had anything to do with pregnancy."

"In any case," Maleficent continues, looking vaguely nauseous, "the basic principle is to put it inside the woman–"

"Philip wants to put something – _himself_ – inside of me?" Aurora exclaims, disgusted. "That is absolutely awful! I barely let him hold my hand."

"I believe it is custom among your people to be intimate in that manner."

Aurora scoffs. "Well, I will not let him touch me like that. He can moan and beg as much as he likes."

"Perhaps you should find someone better suited."

Aurora does not look convinced.

"Many people find it quite pleasurable."

That gets Aurora's attention. "Pleasurable?"

"Why would you do it otherwise? Young humans are pests."

"I'm sure I was wonderful as a child," Aurora giggles, poking the fairy in her side.

"You were a monster, beastie."

"Oh, hush."

The sun is slowly setting, bathing the moorlands in a warm, orange light. Aurora snuggles closer to Maleficent, pulling her wing tighter around her.

"Pleasurable... like kissing someone?"

"Much more than that," Maleficent murmurs, her voice a little lower than usual.

"Philip kissed me once. I didn't like it."

"Philip is an oaf."

At that, Aurora giggles and places a quick kiss on Maleficent's cheek. "I think I'd like you kissing me," she whispers before skipping off to play with the mud trolls.


End file.
